love.

" Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole. "

dec28

honestly , your so cold.
you really don't know what your doing to me, do you..
i don't even know how i feel anymore,
and i still have no idea what i'm waiting for,
why the hell i'm still here.
i keep saying your worth it, your worth it ..
but i'm not even worth anything to you ,
am i?
how can you not care, like at all?
you said that you do but shit ..
you've got a funny way of showing it.

3am

why can't you see me anymore ?
is it something, is it someone in the way?
cos i'll move them for you, you know i'll move a mountain for you.
why is it everyone but you? why can they see me , the good in me.
why can't i ever be good enough for the one that matters most?
why does everyone care so much.. but you, why do they all fight
for it so much; all but you. do you even think about it all like i do?
you don't realize it, but you can be so cold.
so many sides of you, keeping me up at night,
am i holding on too tight?
cause i feel you letting go.

dec26

christmas day was pretty fun,
after writing that last blog things actually got better on christmas eve.
its funny how some baileys and good friends visiting
and on msn/webcam can really just make it that much better lmao.
anyways, new DSLR , nikon D60. i'm really happy but i told my parents not to get me
anything -.- and an ipod to replace the stolen one. loveyoumom&dad , ahhaha.
anyways, boxing daaaaay omg. i'm so tired, sherway in the morning
then bus to square. 12 hours of shopping, my feet are super mad at me now >:|
ugh the holidays are going by way too fast for my liking, w/e.

xmaseve.

well , this christmas eve sort of sucked.
yeah i don't know what it is this year but no
matter what i do it just doesn't feel like christmas :/
just felt like my fam was at my house randomly tonight.
it was good seeing everyone though.
and this break is going by a little too fast for my liking,
i've hardly even done anything yet .
i miss that christmas feeling when your a kid and you get all excited,
sigh - w/e.
hopefully christmas day will be much better (yn)

.gniknis

that _sinking feeling in your chest really is real, isn't it?
and that t e a r i n g apart, inside you. like your being
torn from something. but in this case at least ;
someone.
you just can't take your mind off of it,
no matter how much you smile, or do something to keep you
occupied it's just always there, nagging in the back of your mind.
all your thoughts are infected, and it takes over your life day to day.
even though your here it's like your not, and it's killing me.
i could forget about you,
but something about you just won't let me let you go.
something about you has had me holding on through all of this,
no matter what you say i just keep running back to you.
and it's not even that charm you have.
it's deeper than that.
but i thought i understood you, actually i do understand you.
more than anyone else really does.
and you know it too .. did you forget about that?
& did you forget about how you didn't want to l o s e me?
well i kept my promise,
cause even after everything, i'm still here. and i always will be.
even if i don't mean what i used to to you.
i know that when everyone else in the world walks out on you,
i'll be walking in. cause i'm the only one that really tried to understand every word you say,
everything you do. your not shallow, your deeper than the ocean.
and some things are so far down i still can't see them.
and everything that's happening.. i' m not floating anymore,
nevermind swimming.
i'm drowning , and sinking slowly.
i'm lost and i don't even know where to go anymore, caught in your undertow.
i'm fine with friends, i guess. but why does it have to be like this?
so on and off , driving me crazy.
to be honest, with you 'good enough' and my name will never be in the same sentence.
why did it all end so fast?

impossible.

I wish that I can give you e v e r y t h i n g you been wanting
But you make it so hard cos you want ^all or _nothing
And I can't do the impossible
What you want from me is impossible
I love you but
You never wanna give and take you want things your way
And I ain't gon do it all you gotta come half way
Cos I can't do the impossible
Loving you is next to impossible.