..

i know you lied to me ..
you didn't have to , you could have just told me ..
and you could have just told me you wanted me out of your life from the start .
i can take that . its hard , but i can .
what i can't take is how you always found it so easy to shut me out .
leave me confused .
it hurts , in case you didn't know ..
i thought we were close , but i guess you just don't feel the same .
and as always , i just wanted your friendship . i never did you wrong ,
i've never been mad at you or said one bad thing about you in my life .
so why did you do it ?
why do you shut me out ?
why did you have to hurt me like that ?
i was there for you ... through it all . it's been rough but we stuck together ,
i've done everything i can to fix what's been happening for a year .
i didn't have to help like i did ,
but i did it because i love you . not because i wanted something in return .
i did it because you mean the world to me ... you can deny it but i know i put you
first before anybody in my life ... him . my family . myself . your first ,
always .
i thought you knew that . & i thought you cared , but it just doesn't feel like it .
if there was a reason for all of this ... a real good one ... i would have fixed it
by now . i can understand if i did something wrong to you
or hurt you but i have no idea what it is . and if its something silly ...
im only human , i can't be perfect . i could have gotten mad at you
for all of this ... but i dont want to . i just want to make it better ,
find out what's bothering you . and i've never bad mouthed you , ever .
and i'm so tired of trying to win back a friendship that i've already earned ...
that i thought we had . why am i struggling to keep our friendship when you seem like
you don't even want it anymore ? because i can't let go of you , like i said you mean so much to me .
why am i struggling to keep our friendship
strong , against others that you always said never mattered ?
... and now they're so important . that confuses me .
all the things you said about them to me ... and now you choose them over me ...
im not jealous i just don't understand .
and why let some of them make decisions for you ? .. you were never like that ..
im not mad . i've never been mad at you ... but why do you play games with
my head like that ? and you've chosen such awful times to do it too .
and then you say its nothing and dont want to talk about it when i try to solve it .
do you really not want my friendship that badly ... ? .. please just tell me . it's literally killing me .
i just want you to be happy .. and it feels like its a chore sometimes for you
to talk to me , hug me , or look at me even .. like i'm annoying you ,
a big bother in your life ..
well im sorry . im really sorry , for whatever it is that i've done to you .
i can't remember ever hurting you ... i could never to that to you .
i don't know ... i've given up . on everything . you've hurt me so bad ,
but i still keep coming back to you .
and i'm not asking for a pity party or sympathy . i dont want that ,
trust me . i don't feel sorry or myself . i just want the truth ...
and i want it to make sense . the real reasoning behind this .
i miss you . i miss the way it felt to be around you , fun , carefree ...
and now i always feel like i have to watch everything i say or do ,
so i don't turn you off all of a sudden . so i don't bother you .
.. why should any friendship be like that ? i dont understand .
and now your leaving . i wanted to fix it before then - hell i've
been wanted to fix it for months - but i guess your just not interested in that ...
but i guess i get some of it now . not the reasoning , but i get it .
you don;t want this friendship anymore . it took me long enough to take it in .
to accept it . to realize .
and if that really is the truth then so be it . i don't want to be a big annoyance
in your life . i want you to be happy . i'm sorry for wasting your time ..
i love you .