♫♥

The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I'm down and my knees, and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I need a savior, I need a saviour

It won't ever change if you want it to stay the same
I really hate it but I know it's hard to choose if you're chained
And when it's all you control cause you've got nothing left to hold
You're getting tighter and tighter, it's getting harder to let it go

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I need a saviour
I need a saviour

Stand me up and maybe I won't be so small
Free my hands a feet and maybe I won't always fall...
save me

..

i know you lied to me ..
you didn't have to , you could have just told me ..
and you could have just told me you wanted me out of your life from the start .
i can take that . its hard , but i can .
what i can't take is how you always found it so easy to shut me out .
leave me confused .
it hurts , in case you didn't know ..
i thought we were close , but i guess you just don't feel the same .
and as always , i just wanted your friendship . i never did you wrong ,
i've never been mad at you or said one bad thing about you in my life .
so why did you do it ?
why do you shut me out ?
why did you have to hurt me like that ?
i was there for you ... through it all . it's been rough but we stuck together ,
i've done everything i can to fix what's been happening for a year .
i didn't have to help like i did ,
but i did it because i love you . not because i wanted something in return .
i did it because you mean the world to me ... you can deny it but i know i put you
first before anybody in my life ... him . my family . myself . your first ,
always .
i thought you knew that . & i thought you cared , but it just doesn't feel like it .
if there was a reason for all of this ... a real good one ... i would have fixed it
by now . i can understand if i did something wrong to you
or hurt you but i have no idea what it is . and if its something silly ...
im only human , i can't be perfect . i could have gotten mad at you
for all of this ... but i dont want to . i just want to make it better ,
find out what's bothering you . and i've never bad mouthed you , ever .
and i'm so tired of trying to win back a friendship that i've already earned ...
that i thought we had . why am i struggling to keep our friendship when you seem like
you don't even want it anymore ? because i can't let go of you , like i said you mean so much to me .
why am i struggling to keep our friendship
strong , against others that you always said never mattered ?
... and now they're so important . that confuses me .
all the things you said about them to me ... and now you choose them over me ...
im not jealous i just don't understand .
and why let some of them make decisions for you ? .. you were never like that ..
im not mad . i've never been mad at you ... but why do you play games with
my head like that ? and you've chosen such awful times to do it too .
and then you say its nothing and dont want to talk about it when i try to solve it .
do you really not want my friendship that badly ... ? .. please just tell me . it's literally killing me .
i just want you to be happy .. and it feels like its a chore sometimes for you
to talk to me , hug me , or look at me even .. like i'm annoying you ,
a big bother in your life ..
well im sorry . im really sorry , for whatever it is that i've done to you .
i can't remember ever hurting you ... i could never to that to you .
i don't know ... i've given up . on everything . you've hurt me so bad ,
but i still keep coming back to you .
and i'm not asking for a pity party or sympathy . i dont want that ,
trust me . i don't feel sorry or myself . i just want the truth ...
and i want it to make sense . the real reasoning behind this .
i miss you . i miss the way it felt to be around you , fun , carefree ...
and now i always feel like i have to watch everything i say or do ,
so i don't turn you off all of a sudden . so i don't bother you .
.. why should any friendship be like that ? i dont understand .
and now your leaving . i wanted to fix it before then - hell i've
been wanted to fix it for months - but i guess your just not interested in that ...
but i guess i get some of it now . not the reasoning , but i get it .
you don;t want this friendship anymore . it took me long enough to take it in .
to accept it . to realize .
and if that really is the truth then so be it . i don't want to be a big annoyance
in your life . i want you to be happy . i'm sorry for wasting your time ..
i love you .

.

i am so incredibly tired of everything . end of story . i give up .

hellogoodbye -

i honestly cannot believe the school year is over. holy shit , grade eight ... it's gone . it went by so fast , i honestly couldn't keep up . so much happened , like too much ... it was all too much to take in , and the next thing you know your in a long black gown and fancy clothes , sitting there thinking about how your already a graduate . all the memories in that school ... damn . 10 years , it's been 10 years . i grew up there , that school raised me . good and bad , thick and thin , been through it all in that school , with everyone . i miss it like mad already , but in ways i don't . i wanted to leave but i didnt ... i don't even know . i'm still trying to get over the fact that it's over . everyone bawled like crazy on the last day , yes me too ... but for so many reasons . i think we all cried so much because at that moment it just hit us , and it hasn't even hit some people yet . some aren't even emotional about it , but hey i guess im pretty soft . it's hard not to be , i don't want to let go of it , because i know for sure that school kept us together . in high school , when we're free to go our separate ways , when we don't have to see the same people everyday , don't you think people will fall apart ? of course they will . the only reason most of us are still all together this year is because we have to see each other everyday , the school kept us together and everyone cared . high school makes you cold , people aren't going to care half as much or give two shits about your stupid drama ... basically , we're all going to go wherever we choose . we're going to find other interests and other people , and we might never be the same with those people that we were once so close to , and i seriously hate to say that . i dont think i will though . and it doesn't always happen on purpose either . other things ... idk . i really wish they would be like they used to . damn i miss the good old days , like last year . like i was just thinking , canada day is in like 2 days ... and last year ( around canada day )we were already having the best summertime ever ... we were all good & we spent our canada day doing the most fun things ever . now i'm thinking , it's not going to be anything like that this year . so much changed , i don't think we'll ever get another taste of that . fuck i miss it . i miss not worrying about everything all the time , being carefree . i looked forward to summer 09 thinking it would be like last year - missioning around , sitting on the curb eating freezies , jolt & sour belts . just little things like that that made summer the best . idk ... ugh . and somethings ... i don't even know . like i'm sorry , but your really an ass . it's the truth , and incase you forgot what i told you let me refresh your memory ; " she's a one in a million , your never going to find another like her ; she's amazing . don't let her go , or you'll loose her for good . " but of course you didn't listen . now look what you got yourself into . ugh im done with that . im tired of you . & greeeat , just to make my summer even better , my bestfriend will be half way across the friggen world the entire time . lovely , like i was looking forward to at least spending it with her . i had a lot planned & again i wanted it to be like last year . it was the best . damn i'm gonna miss her , i think i should just get a job since there's nothing else to do . & another one of my bestfriends is leavig also . laaaaaaaaaaaavely , no ? oh yes . i caaaaan't wait . so much for my summer ? yeah .

been a while ,

so i haven't written in like forever , i haven't found the time to i guess ? but right about now it's pouring and i have nothing else to do , so i shall blab . wow i haven't caught up on so many things , i didn't even write after quebec , which was live ! it was amazing and i miss it so much . even the stairs , simon , & the long bus rides ... like idk , just with friends and everything . and it's so different up there , like cobblestone buildings and narrow streets - it's gorgeous . 20 albums ! geeeez ahah . oh and carassauga , that was pretty live too , wooooh buko pandan makes my life . lmfao , busing to everywhere ? yuuuh handicap shuttle buses ftw . saw a lot of people . yeeeah , fuuuuuntaaaangs , can't wait til next year's ahah . anywho , i guess a lot of other things have happened , too many to think of right now . & like i mean with everything . some people just don't know what to do with themselves anymore , or anyone for that matter . they don't appreciate something so amazing , so hard to find , and come crying literally everytime because they're afraid they're losing it . well sorry sweetheart , that's your own fault , not someone else's . your clearly the confused one here so please get your head straight and stop messing up everyone else's . yeeeah . mmmm and that , yeah , you . damn i expected better from you ! i honestly thought you had toooons more class than that . like i'm sorry but thats just down right dirty , i think i'm like scarred for life . i thought you were done with that waste ? eugh . anyways ... geez i'm blabbing like mad ahah . mmm , school's almost over ? wow . i honestly cannot take that in . i remember thinking how far away grad is and all , and highschool too . now it's like , here . i remember every single detail from december 07 to now . after it everything started to fly by so fast . things changed , with everyone i guess . like september to now ... damn . it was like 10 months ago ... wow . almost a year ? almost a year since the beginning of grade 8 ? i still can't believe it . cause i really remember everything like it was last month . so many things have happened , being in the middle of it all ... and actually being a part of a lot of it ... i guess it changed a lot of friendships and stuff too , relationships . do i have regrets ? no , no regrets . because everything that's happened has made me , and all of us stronger in ways i guess . even if it's bad , something like it's gonna happen sooner or later , and when it gets really bad we'll be ready for it . for change . departing and everything . alright maybe not departing i'm not so good with that . anywaaays , wow that was a long blab session . i have more on my mind , but maybe i should stop now LOL . i'll write more often ,

breathe ,

" i climb , i slip , i fall
reaching for your hands ,
but i lay here all alone
sweating all your blood .

if i could find out how
to make you listen now ;
because i'm starving for you here ,
with my undying love .
& i , i will .

breathe for love tomorrow ,
cause there's no hope for today .
breathe for love tomorrow ,
cause maybe there's another way , "

maybe i was wrong .

i can't say this isn't my problem ,
because i did more than stand by and watch everything
happen for the past - yes - almost year . 10 months ? 11 ?
and maybe i do wish i could turn back the hands of time and help you fix those problems , those things that are so much more clear now .
but even if i could ,
i wouldn't .
because you wouldn't be where you are now ; you wouldn't have the
kind of relationship you have now , you wouldn't know what you know now .
you wouldn't be strong .
and as much as i want to take away yourpain ,
at the same time i'd be taking away your strength .
you stuck it out for this long ,
that takes guts .
that takes faith . that takes what you've had in him all this time .
hope ; hope that one day he's gonna smack his head on something ,
turn the fuck around , and realize , what he has right in front of him .
what's been there from the start .
& i wish i could understand why he consistently throws it all away ,
for what ?
what does he have to lose but the most important person in his life ?
the one he " can't go a day without , "
the one he " trusts with his life , "
the one he loves .
i could never truly understand him if i tried ,
and all the decisions he's made .
from other girls at first , to not talking ...
and you , attempting to move on ... he wouldn't even let you do that .
your stuck ,
and that's unfair to you .
he's held you here for so long , got your hopes ^up ,
brought them _down ,
and still he won't let you go .
then he made a huge decision to keep it simple . stay as you were .
apparently he still couldn't live without you ,
and you couldn't live without him .
you both are nothing without each other ,
and he knows that . he feels that .
so enlighten me , someone , what is he doing ?
why does he continuously stall , make excuses like ' i dont want to hurt her '
then go and not talk to her for days at a time ?
that hurts , i'm sure he knows . and according to him that wasn't the plan .
so tell me , what is his plan ?
wait . keep that plan to yourself darling , cause last time i checked
your ' plan ' caused all this .
on a better note , the smarter half of you two has made a decision .
a break.
when everything crumbled , when no one knew what else to do ,
she said ; ' a break . '
honestly , i think that that's the best for the both of you .
time.
nothing heals like time , no ?