dec28

honestly , your so cold.
you really don't know what your doing to me, do you..
i don't even know how i feel anymore,
and i still have no idea what i'm waiting for,
why the hell i'm still here.
i keep saying your worth it, your worth it ..
but i'm not even worth anything to you ,
am i?
how can you not care, like at all?
you said that you do but shit ..
you've got a funny way of showing it.

3am

why can't you see me anymore ?
is it something, is it someone in the way?
cos i'll move them for you, you know i'll move a mountain for you.
why is it everyone but you? why can they see me , the good in me.
why can't i ever be good enough for the one that matters most?
why does everyone care so much.. but you, why do they all fight
for it so much; all but you. do you even think about it all like i do?
you don't realize it, but you can be so cold.
so many sides of you, keeping me up at night,
am i holding on too tight?
cause i feel you letting go.

dec26

christmas day was pretty fun,
after writing that last blog things actually got better on christmas eve.
its funny how some baileys and good friends visiting
and on msn/webcam can really just make it that much better lmao.
anyways, new DSLR , nikon D60. i'm really happy but i told my parents not to get me
anything -.- and an ipod to replace the stolen one. loveyoumom&dad , ahhaha.
anyways, boxing daaaaay omg. i'm so tired, sherway in the morning
then bus to square. 12 hours of shopping, my feet are super mad at me now >:|
ugh the holidays are going by way too fast for my liking, w/e.

xmaseve.

well , this christmas eve sort of sucked.
yeah i don't know what it is this year but no
matter what i do it just doesn't feel like christmas :/
just felt like my fam was at my house randomly tonight.
it was good seeing everyone though.
and this break is going by a little too fast for my liking,
i've hardly even done anything yet .
i miss that christmas feeling when your a kid and you get all excited,
sigh - w/e.
hopefully christmas day will be much better (yn)

.gniknis

that _sinking feeling in your chest really is real, isn't it?
and that t e a r i n g apart, inside you. like your being
torn from something. but in this case at least ;
someone.
you just can't take your mind off of it,
no matter how much you smile, or do something to keep you
occupied it's just always there, nagging in the back of your mind.
all your thoughts are infected, and it takes over your life day to day.
even though your here it's like your not, and it's killing me.
i could forget about you,
but something about you just won't let me let you go.
something about you has had me holding on through all of this,
no matter what you say i just keep running back to you.
and it's not even that charm you have.
it's deeper than that.
but i thought i understood you, actually i do understand you.
more than anyone else really does.
and you know it too .. did you forget about that?
& did you forget about how you didn't want to l o s e me?
well i kept my promise,
cause even after everything, i'm still here. and i always will be.
even if i don't mean what i used to to you.
i know that when everyone else in the world walks out on you,
i'll be walking in. cause i'm the only one that really tried to understand every word you say,
everything you do. your not shallow, your deeper than the ocean.
and some things are so far down i still can't see them.
and everything that's happening.. i' m not floating anymore,
nevermind swimming.
i'm drowning , and sinking slowly.
i'm lost and i don't even know where to go anymore, caught in your undertow.
i'm fine with friends, i guess. but why does it have to be like this?
so on and off , driving me crazy.
to be honest, with you 'good enough' and my name will never be in the same sentence.
why did it all end so fast?

impossible.

I wish that I can give you e v e r y t h i n g you been wanting
But you make it so hard cos you want ^all or _nothing
And I can't do the impossible
What you want from me is impossible
I love you but
You never wanna give and take you want things your way
And I ain't gon do it all you gotta come half way
Cos I can't do the impossible
Loving you is next to impossible.

blameitontheRAIN.

You got me caught in all this mess
I guess we can Blame it on the Rain
My pain is knowing I can't have you

Tell me, does she look at you the way I do,
Try and understand the words you say
and the way you m o v e ?
Does she get the same big rush
When you go in for a hug and your cheeks brush
Tell me am I crazy, am I crazy?

I catch my breath
The one you took the moment you entered the room
My heart it b r e a k s at the thought of her holding you.

dec23

'everyone in your life is going to hurt you at some point in time, you just have to figure out who's worth the pain. '

i'm still hurting, but your still worth it.

lightsoff.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired
it's you that I'm missing
it's like my brain is wired up
and there's a glitch in my system
you're like a drug and now my blood won't stop itching
I'm in critical condition
someone let me out of this prison
it's like my mind is playing tricks on me lately
I could of sworn that you are still my baby
I'm on a merry-go-round
going around, driving me c r a z y

That's why it feels like
losing you is like somebody just
turned all the lights off
won't somebody, anybody
please just turn the lights on
I won't take one step
I can't see what's coming next
losing you is like somebody just
turned all the lights off
can't see at all
cause it's like somebody just turned all the lights off

I don't understand how one minute I just had it all
now I can't reach you cos I'm tied up
with this straight jacket on
I can't b r e a t h e
I can't see
it's like my mind is playing tricks on me lately
I could of sworn that you are still my baby
I'm on a merry-go-round
going around, driving me crazy

Used to see my world in color
when you left me it's like my world turned gray
turn my winter into summer
why won't you help me turn night to day
I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't think at all
honestly it feels like I ain't living no more
can't say no more, can't see no more

well hello again.

well,
it's been a while.
okay longer than a while. i haven't blogged in timeeeeeee.
i think the last was like summer?
w/e. it's nearly like christmas now,
and idk what to say, theres too much to say really.
so many things have happened since school started,
holy i don't even know where to begin.
actually, i'm not gonna go there.
there's literally not enough space or time to write it all out.
all i can say is, highschool is nothing like i expected.
you'd never think how quickly you can become close to people,
and how quickly you can loose them too.
like you've gone through an entire friendship cycle with someone in just a few months.
so many things have changed, and i'm starting to dislike it. alot.
nothing can stay good for a while. it was all good when we didn't know much about eachother,
and everyone was pretty much happy. i swear we walk around like zombies nowadays,
just waiting for the say to be over. but w/e , it's the holidays now.
i really needed the break more than ever.
i can't complain with a lot of things though. earlier this school year i got a lot of things off
my shoulders, finally. and i'm doing just fine without it, i'm a lot happier.
now there are other things to deal with, but i'm just living life day by day,
no other way to do it ahaa
it was so good for that time being, it's like i had it all together.
and i still can't let go.
but for the most part, all i can say is
i tried.

bye summer ?

So , i'm bored .
i haven't written in a real long time , again ?
and summer's almost over .
basically , everything's been fun . the weather started to get better ,
(figures , towards the END of summer .)
honestly . i'm really pissed that i haven't even been swimming LOL !
or to a beach ... i'd kill for a beach right now . D:
I've been WoWing a lot though ... lmfao oh man .
orientaion waaaas , um good ? i don't know i just know it didn't exactly help with the whole navigation part - which is gonna be my problem LOL .
i cannot get to each class within five minutes ( y ) fml
yeah so highschooooool , true :S
i don't know what to think - whatever .
i just really need to get my sleeping patterns normal again ?
eugh , i'll continue this ... sometime

raaaaain

so , i love this weather .

no not really , i much prefer sunshine and warmth -.-

right now its thundering so loud my house is like shaking ,

but i love hearing it . the sound of storms is like a lullaby to me 

it's the best . (: anyways , honestly today it was hot sunny and

humid one minute and like hurricane the next ? 

and repeated that like 3 times . i sound like a weather forecaster 

but im really sick of it , i waaaant suuuummmer weather ! =(

yeeah so i found my henna from like 2 year ago ! aha i have like

4 tattoos now , what else is there to do honestly -.-

i want real ones though . (y) not now obv .

wooooooooh so i'm really bored , its okay to use a console when

its like hurricane weather ... righhhht ? LOL whatever i'm doing it anyway .

2am

here i am again , blogging in the AM's for idk what reason ?

i really can't sleep , im like wide awake LOL . again .

maybe dark chocolate ain't such a good idea before bed eeeeh ? ;D

lmfao . whatever it's summer , which just so happens to be half over ,

and the weather is so damn weird . it was hailing today like wtf !

anyways i've been xbox-ing more than usual lately . ALOT more than usual

ahah . only when it rains and shit , cause the second its warm im gone ! =D

i miss my bestfriend like mad , but it's not tooo long before she gets back ,

so yaaaay ! :D 

mmmm what elseee ... yeeah so i have three fake nails left .

DONT ask . yes they did stay on from friggen grad . >.>

bio gel = never again aha . i kinda miss the one on my right index

finger though , it made a good guitar pick ( y ) .

i love guitar honestly . last lesson this week ! but 

i'll sign up AGAIN for sure . plus i have like the best teacher ,

won't go to anyone else . WHY am i blabbing about this . -.-

im so bored . did i mention i have 7 mosquito bites on only my left leg ?

like what is this ! one limb is tastier than the other ? geeez .

anyways , im reeeally bored . but im sure you already knew that .

gaaaasp ! i never really blogged about downtown did i ...

well nothing that special i go all the time ,

but i got docs ! woooh . i've been looking for them for a while now ,

i had like 50 pairs when i was little , no lie ahah . they were patent

with rainbow laces ; every pair . (:

i love my new ones , they go with everything 'specially dresses and all that jaaaazzz .

i got a few more things like blahblahblah but whatever

no need to blooog . im so bored still !

i wish my dad never sold the fisheye lens . =( damn .

it was tiiiime ago but i guess he never really thought i'd want it .

eugh whateverrr .

i want my braces off . like i complain about them everyday , i friggen

hate them . i hope my smile looks alright after , like i hope all that 

was really worth it ahah . >.>

anyways , i should try to sleep . oh follow me on twitter , btw .

sorry for the boring ass post , you honestly just wasted your time LOL !

woooooooooh ,

aha kay so it's like 1am , but i can't sleep and i'm superduper boooored .
LOL i love how amazingly loaft i am with my blogspot ,
like i just slap a picture up there everytime instead of doing a whole helen marzec move. ;)
ahahah layout change everydaaaay girly .
well my summer's been getting a bit better pretty much cause the weather is nicer
and i can go out more ! =D finally geeez , not as boring .
i mean it wasn't bad before but i'd only go out like twice a week :/
i hate the rain . but yeah it's warm lately hope it stays that waaay ( y )
woooh i went downtown the other day . yeeeah i love it there ,
'cept it smeeells from all the dang garbage . =( and milica's ,
for the past two days LOL . saturday was live , i don't even know
but it was pretty sweet . yesterday too , we just chilled cause my mom was
working close by . idk why i'm blogging about this . >.>
im sooo bored . & hungry ? wow wtf LOL kbye

♫♥

The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I'm down and my knees, and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I'm relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I'm always denying them

I'm a bit of a manic when it's not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I need a savior, I need a saviour

It won't ever change if you want it to stay the same
I really hate it but I know it's hard to choose if you're chained
And when it's all you control cause you've got nothing left to hold
You're getting tighter and tighter, it's getting harder to let it go

I don't want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains, and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later, I need a saviour
I need a saviour

Stand me up and maybe I won't be so small
Free my hands a feet and maybe I won't always fall...
save me

..

i know you lied to me ..
you didn't have to , you could have just told me ..
and you could have just told me you wanted me out of your life from the start .
i can take that . its hard , but i can .
what i can't take is how you always found it so easy to shut me out .
leave me confused .
it hurts , in case you didn't know ..
i thought we were close , but i guess you just don't feel the same .
and as always , i just wanted your friendship . i never did you wrong ,
i've never been mad at you or said one bad thing about you in my life .
so why did you do it ?
why do you shut me out ?
why did you have to hurt me like that ?
i was there for you ... through it all . it's been rough but we stuck together ,
i've done everything i can to fix what's been happening for a year .
i didn't have to help like i did ,
but i did it because i love you . not because i wanted something in return .
i did it because you mean the world to me ... you can deny it but i know i put you
first before anybody in my life ... him . my family . myself . your first ,
always .
i thought you knew that . & i thought you cared , but it just doesn't feel like it .
if there was a reason for all of this ... a real good one ... i would have fixed it
by now . i can understand if i did something wrong to you
or hurt you but i have no idea what it is . and if its something silly ...
im only human , i can't be perfect . i could have gotten mad at you
for all of this ... but i dont want to . i just want to make it better ,
find out what's bothering you . and i've never bad mouthed you , ever .
and i'm so tired of trying to win back a friendship that i've already earned ...
that i thought we had . why am i struggling to keep our friendship when you seem like
you don't even want it anymore ? because i can't let go of you , like i said you mean so much to me .
why am i struggling to keep our friendship
strong , against others that you always said never mattered ?
... and now they're so important . that confuses me .
all the things you said about them to me ... and now you choose them over me ...
im not jealous i just don't understand .
and why let some of them make decisions for you ? .. you were never like that ..
im not mad . i've never been mad at you ... but why do you play games with
my head like that ? and you've chosen such awful times to do it too .
and then you say its nothing and dont want to talk about it when i try to solve it .
do you really not want my friendship that badly ... ? .. please just tell me . it's literally killing me .
i just want you to be happy .. and it feels like its a chore sometimes for you
to talk to me , hug me , or look at me even .. like i'm annoying you ,
a big bother in your life ..
well im sorry . im really sorry , for whatever it is that i've done to you .
i can't remember ever hurting you ... i could never to that to you .
i don't know ... i've given up . on everything . you've hurt me so bad ,
but i still keep coming back to you .
and i'm not asking for a pity party or sympathy . i dont want that ,
trust me . i don't feel sorry or myself . i just want the truth ...
and i want it to make sense . the real reasoning behind this .
i miss you . i miss the way it felt to be around you , fun , carefree ...
and now i always feel like i have to watch everything i say or do ,
so i don't turn you off all of a sudden . so i don't bother you .
.. why should any friendship be like that ? i dont understand .
and now your leaving . i wanted to fix it before then - hell i've
been wanted to fix it for months - but i guess your just not interested in that ...
but i guess i get some of it now . not the reasoning , but i get it .
you don;t want this friendship anymore . it took me long enough to take it in .
to accept it . to realize .
and if that really is the truth then so be it . i don't want to be a big annoyance
in your life . i want you to be happy . i'm sorry for wasting your time ..
i love you .

.

i am so incredibly tired of everything . end of story . i give up .

hellogoodbye -

i honestly cannot believe the school year is over. holy shit , grade eight ... it's gone . it went by so fast , i honestly couldn't keep up . so much happened , like too much ... it was all too much to take in , and the next thing you know your in a long black gown and fancy clothes , sitting there thinking about how your already a graduate . all the memories in that school ... damn . 10 years , it's been 10 years . i grew up there , that school raised me . good and bad , thick and thin , been through it all in that school , with everyone . i miss it like mad already , but in ways i don't . i wanted to leave but i didnt ... i don't even know . i'm still trying to get over the fact that it's over . everyone bawled like crazy on the last day , yes me too ... but for so many reasons . i think we all cried so much because at that moment it just hit us , and it hasn't even hit some people yet . some aren't even emotional about it , but hey i guess im pretty soft . it's hard not to be , i don't want to let go of it , because i know for sure that school kept us together . in high school , when we're free to go our separate ways , when we don't have to see the same people everyday , don't you think people will fall apart ? of course they will . the only reason most of us are still all together this year is because we have to see each other everyday , the school kept us together and everyone cared . high school makes you cold , people aren't going to care half as much or give two shits about your stupid drama ... basically , we're all going to go wherever we choose . we're going to find other interests and other people , and we might never be the same with those people that we were once so close to , and i seriously hate to say that . i dont think i will though . and it doesn't always happen on purpose either . other things ... idk . i really wish they would be like they used to . damn i miss the good old days , like last year . like i was just thinking , canada day is in like 2 days ... and last year ( around canada day )we were already having the best summertime ever ... we were all good & we spent our canada day doing the most fun things ever . now i'm thinking , it's not going to be anything like that this year . so much changed , i don't think we'll ever get another taste of that . fuck i miss it . i miss not worrying about everything all the time , being carefree . i looked forward to summer 09 thinking it would be like last year - missioning around , sitting on the curb eating freezies , jolt & sour belts . just little things like that that made summer the best . idk ... ugh . and somethings ... i don't even know . like i'm sorry , but your really an ass . it's the truth , and incase you forgot what i told you let me refresh your memory ; " she's a one in a million , your never going to find another like her ; she's amazing . don't let her go , or you'll loose her for good . " but of course you didn't listen . now look what you got yourself into . ugh im done with that . im tired of you . & greeeat , just to make my summer even better , my bestfriend will be half way across the friggen world the entire time . lovely , like i was looking forward to at least spending it with her . i had a lot planned & again i wanted it to be like last year . it was the best . damn i'm gonna miss her , i think i should just get a job since there's nothing else to do . & another one of my bestfriends is leavig also . laaaaaaaaaaaavely , no ? oh yes . i caaaaan't wait . so much for my summer ? yeah .

been a while ,

so i haven't written in like forever , i haven't found the time to i guess ? but right about now it's pouring and i have nothing else to do , so i shall blab . wow i haven't caught up on so many things , i didn't even write after quebec , which was live ! it was amazing and i miss it so much . even the stairs , simon , & the long bus rides ... like idk , just with friends and everything . and it's so different up there , like cobblestone buildings and narrow streets - it's gorgeous . 20 albums ! geeeez ahah . oh and carassauga , that was pretty live too , wooooh buko pandan makes my life . lmfao , busing to everywhere ? yuuuh handicap shuttle buses ftw . saw a lot of people . yeeeah , fuuuuuntaaaangs , can't wait til next year's ahah . anywho , i guess a lot of other things have happened , too many to think of right now . & like i mean with everything . some people just don't know what to do with themselves anymore , or anyone for that matter . they don't appreciate something so amazing , so hard to find , and come crying literally everytime because they're afraid they're losing it . well sorry sweetheart , that's your own fault , not someone else's . your clearly the confused one here so please get your head straight and stop messing up everyone else's . yeeeah . mmmm and that , yeah , you . damn i expected better from you ! i honestly thought you had toooons more class than that . like i'm sorry but thats just down right dirty , i think i'm like scarred for life . i thought you were done with that waste ? eugh . anyways ... geez i'm blabbing like mad ahah . mmm , school's almost over ? wow . i honestly cannot take that in . i remember thinking how far away grad is and all , and highschool too . now it's like , here . i remember every single detail from december 07 to now . after it everything started to fly by so fast . things changed , with everyone i guess . like september to now ... damn . it was like 10 months ago ... wow . almost a year ? almost a year since the beginning of grade 8 ? i still can't believe it . cause i really remember everything like it was last month . so many things have happened , being in the middle of it all ... and actually being a part of a lot of it ... i guess it changed a lot of friendships and stuff too , relationships . do i have regrets ? no , no regrets . because everything that's happened has made me , and all of us stronger in ways i guess . even if it's bad , something like it's gonna happen sooner or later , and when it gets really bad we'll be ready for it . for change . departing and everything . alright maybe not departing i'm not so good with that . anywaaays , wow that was a long blab session . i have more on my mind , but maybe i should stop now LOL . i'll write more often ,

breathe ,

" i climb , i slip , i fall
reaching for your hands ,
but i lay here all alone
sweating all your blood .

if i could find out how
to make you listen now ;
because i'm starving for you here ,
with my undying love .
& i , i will .

breathe for love tomorrow ,
cause there's no hope for today .
breathe for love tomorrow ,
cause maybe there's another way , "

maybe i was wrong .

i can't say this isn't my problem ,
because i did more than stand by and watch everything
happen for the past - yes - almost year . 10 months ? 11 ?
and maybe i do wish i could turn back the hands of time and help you fix those problems , those things that are so much more clear now .
but even if i could ,
i wouldn't .
because you wouldn't be where you are now ; you wouldn't have the
kind of relationship you have now , you wouldn't know what you know now .
you wouldn't be strong .
and as much as i want to take away yourpain ,
at the same time i'd be taking away your strength .
you stuck it out for this long ,
that takes guts .
that takes faith . that takes what you've had in him all this time .
hope ; hope that one day he's gonna smack his head on something ,
turn the fuck around , and realize , what he has right in front of him .
what's been there from the start .
& i wish i could understand why he consistently throws it all away ,
for what ?
what does he have to lose but the most important person in his life ?
the one he " can't go a day without , "
the one he " trusts with his life , "
the one he loves .
i could never truly understand him if i tried ,
and all the decisions he's made .
from other girls at first , to not talking ...
and you , attempting to move on ... he wouldn't even let you do that .
your stuck ,
and that's unfair to you .
he's held you here for so long , got your hopes ^up ,
brought them _down ,
and still he won't let you go .
then he made a huge decision to keep it simple . stay as you were .
apparently he still couldn't live without you ,
and you couldn't live without him .
you both are nothing without each other ,
and he knows that . he feels that .
so enlighten me , someone , what is he doing ?
why does he continuously stall , make excuses like ' i dont want to hurt her '
then go and not talk to her for days at a time ?
that hurts , i'm sure he knows . and according to him that wasn't the plan .
so tell me , what is his plan ?
wait . keep that plan to yourself darling , cause last time i checked
your ' plan ' caused all this .
on a better note , the smarter half of you two has made a decision .
a break.
when everything crumbled , when no one knew what else to do ,
she said ; ' a break . '
honestly , i think that that's the best for the both of you .
time.
nothing heals like time , no ?

aha booked week ?

wow looootsa things this week .
mmm confirmation !
yeah it wasn't so bad , LOL i was nervous .
everyone was , it was pretty hilarious watching
everyone being super stiff hahah . yeah , and
it was uber amazing that i fell on my way out the door ,
no ? ahah i'm a klutz . me + heels = disaster .
anyways , yeah it was fun . lots of pictures .
but like , 8 months of preperation for an hour ? woooooh .
hmmm , HELLO AKON ! ♥
aha , yeeah his concert was amazing , thanks for
taking me , bhess !
yeah so daga caught his friggen towel haah ,
we had floor , and were just a few people away from him .
karl wolf opened , also amazing .
it was life .
anywhooo , yeah we actually went to school today ,
the day after the concert . aha wow i couldn't even function LOL .
whatever it was wooorth it !
mmmmm yeah , quebec soontimes .
wonder how it'll turn out ? good i hope . ( yn )
geeeez so many rules , we might as well be on leashes .
and the dress code ? omfg . -____-
ahah for grad too . so gay .
anyways , wooo yess , finally that whole thing is pretty much solved ?
well things are definitely clearer now , no ? (;
glad you had the guts to do that aha .
really makes me happy to see her happy , and not confused as hell .
i was almost at the point where i didnt know what to say anymore ,
i ran out of things to say ; and those things just didn't fit anymore
cause you made it real confusing . but again , you had the guts to
make it right , so good job !
it can only go one way from now on , ( y )

tgif .

my bad , i never blogged about what happened wednesday .
weeeeeell , it was loooads of fun . yeah okay ,
fml , it was gay as hell . i don't even want to talk about it ,
it's stupid . and i bet she gets paid 85984 dollars an hour for that
crap too . aha i didn't even know she existed in the school ?
oh , and apparently " several people , both guys and girls " snitched ?
mmmhmm , cause they were , " oh so concerned . " well are you
oh so fucking concerned now , that i'm under friggen surveillance ?
a microscope ? good to know cupcake , cause this is the way it's gonna be .
hope your happy , whoever you are .
anywhooo , wow way to ruin my grad already ?
kay , not completely ruin , but that did get me a little pissed off .
especially since you've known about it for a long time now ... i got it first , sorry .
woooooh anyways , it's fridaaaaaay . & sunny , (L)

" lately i've been tired and uninspired . "

^ mmmm yeah , it's true . tired of alot of things , i'm not putting up with it anymore .
haven't blogged for a few days .
idk , not muuuuch has happened since ,
except the 'thing' is happening tomorrow .
woooooh i can't wait , one hour of missed class time for
a load of BULLSHIT . greeeeat (y)
i was kinda scared of leaving slr and all before ,
like i really didn't want to go to highschool .
now it's like the teachers are pushing us away with all this shit ,
i hardly have a reason to want to be there anymore .
in my opinion they took this too far ;
there's concerned , and then there's just fucking annoying .
i mean again , when it's coming from certain people it's okay ,
but the teachers ... yeah it's just getting on my nerves .
sorry i'm no perfect angel , thought you woulda figured it out by now .
aaaaaanywho , whatever . what happens , happens . ( yn )
mmm and a few other things , lmfao .
i really didn't think you'd have the nerve to do that .
your really asking for it , and your taking advantage of me now .
then your still throwing yourself a pity party ? pleeease ,
grow up . it's been worse ! don't be an attention seeker .
no one's gonna cry with you , cause we've all been there .
harsh , alright sure . but i'm tired of being so nice about it all ,
and letting it go . not with everything , but that one thing ,
honestly , that's all it takes , and i' m gone .
i really wasn't kidding when i said i'm fucking tired of it all ,
and i'm done with being nice to the whole world .
mmmm , one more thing .
child , your honestly the most confusing kid i know . please ,
do the world a favour and make up your mind !
your hurting , so is she , what in God's name are you doing ?
you say friends is better , we shouldn't be together ;
and now you can' t even do that ?
and if she tires to move on , you won't let it happen either .
what do you think she's made out of ? stone ?!
please get your head straight before making anymore drastic desicions .
i thought you learned your lesson the first time you did that .
cause if you can't even figure yourself out ,
how can you make this better ?

- yeah i vent a lot .

omfg .

get the fuck off my case already !
jesus christ there's nothing wrong with me or any of them holy shit !
uggghhhh so godamn annoying , get out of my life
and leave me the fuck alone . it doesn't sound like me ,
so i've been told , but i don't give a fuck i'll do what i want ,
tyvm . i know whats best for myself ,
because i am myself . so fuck off .
i know your 'concerned' , but i'm still breathing ,
am i not ? god . it's okay if some people say something ,
but your not the friggen people i want to hear it from .
and stop watching me like a hawk omfg !
and , 'no you have to come home before you go out so you can ___ .'
OMG .
and no , i'm sorry , he DOES NOT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS .
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU EVEN SAY THAT ?!
& CAN YOU BLAME ME FOR SPAZZING AT YOU ?
and taking that away ? do you never want to see me again or something ?

cause that's what your asking for ,

fml ,

today ... was fucked .
yeah , it's my bf's birthday, and yeah it's our three months ,
which is great <3 ,
but fuck everything else about today .
& the end of yesterday .
... and this whole thing in general .
it's like i'm honestly under surveillance now ;
and need ' help ' . >:/ yeah okay .
i really thought things were getting better
and i could end this whole thing ... ?
then it blew up before i could .
i already couldn't control it , it wasn't really me anymore ,
making those 'descisions .' someone else that became me .
idk .
so now , do they really think i'm going to talk to some fucking
stranger about this ? don't bother wasting your time sweetheart ,
you're not getting a thing out of me .
do these people get paid for asking robotic questions to kids every single time ?
'cause i highly doubt i'm the only one that isn't gonna say shit .
aha yeah , about that , i'm not the only one either .
some i was like , ' kay i swear your good why are they putting you through that crap too ? '
the others , ' meh . idk . idc . '
they talked to me more than the others though , which was really ... idk frustrating
and weird . both your teachers , (who also both called your parents) ,
lecturing you and telling you they're 'concerned' ,
and how one of them almost called friggen 911 . idk ugh .
wow i'm really blabbing .
anyways , i honestly hate hearing the same stupid thing over and over and over again ,
and in the same friggen day too , from four different people ... kay maybe more .
' no quebec for you if this doesnt change / you seek help '
yeeeeeah .
idk probably going to vent more about this later ,

best ,

it hurts me more than you think to watch you crumble ,
i hate it .
i hate when you smile , that plaster .
'cause i'm the only one that sees past it ;
that sees whats hiding behind your mask .
i may not know entirely what you feel , but
i feel your pain ; when you hurt i hurt .
this all was unexpected , for you and for me .
i feel so helpless , to sit back and watch it all fall apart .
i wasn't prepared for it to go down like that .
i wasn't prepared for it to end so fast ,
and i try to find every reason to say that it's not over ,
and there's still hope , still time for you .
because i know your ready to give up .
to shatter the mirror ,
to fall on your hands and knees ,
broken glass , replacing another's fingers in between yours .
but still your not alone . i'm here , and i always will be .
if you decide to go ; go . you need time , i know .
i did too , once .
but no matter how far you go , still , i'm here .
and somehow , i know it will get better .
i promise best ,
til the end . ♥

fucker

aha , wooooo so apparently someone's gon get
superduper rushed ;
and apparently he didn't learn his
fucking lesson the first time .
aha buddy , don't get too comfortable ,
your really asking for it .
do you really think you'd get away with what
you did to me in the first place ?
it's called r-e-s-p-e-c-t ,
i guess i should know that i have to spell it out for you by now .
( that was RESPECT , incase you've failed to notice .
you always were fucked in the head anyways . )
so if it hasn't kicked in by now ,
you really should stop being a pedophile , and quit tryna get at little girls .
there is a high awareness of STDS and HIV these days , girls know about it , haha .
and i'm sorry , that's just not hot buddy .
we don't need 3/4 of the female population being infected . k thanks .
( i know you've tried to fuck at least 1/2 . )
anywho , give it up buddy . your fucked.

=)

.

crimson , crawling .
my heart throbs behind my skin ;
pulse , beating slow .
torn , but still alive .
searching for a reason .
still breathing, for you .
every breath with more struggle ,
more effort .
i am aching, for you .
for your arms ; my cradle where i may fall.
i fall into your eyes ;
your neverending eyes .
they've never let me _sink so deep ,
the undertow refusing to let me surface ;
finally , i am here again .
where there is comfort , but i am not whole .
where i can rid of this mask ;
unravel.
where i am numb .
i am lost ;
never , do i want to be found.